For we are dust

It’s Ash Wednesday.

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time explaining who I am, as if feeling who I am is so wrong. Mostly it’s because, if I am, who I am; then it might not make others happy. Then there’s resentment. No on wants that. No one wants to cause it. So I’ve been avoiding reality–like the plague.

But I feel it coming. And there’s nothing I can do about it, because this is who I am. I am a woman of God. He’s taken me under his wings and has sheltered me with everlasting love and mercy. My God is forgiving. I am also Catholic.

When I was younger I thought my faith was exhausting. When I was a teen I realized it was a disciplined practice. Now, I view Catholicism as water in a very hot and desperate desert. I need it in all it’s abundant flow.

What better way for me to be myself than through sacrifice, penitence, and prayer. For me, Ash Wednesday represents why I need Jesus so much. As I begin the Lenten season, I’m reminded of Jesus’ great love for me. That helps me cope with my preconceived ideas.

I think of the word sacrifice and wonder why Jesus sacrificed so much for me, for who I am? He gave up his breath, his mother, and his life so that I could live. In that sense I ought to live for who I am.

Yes I’m a Catholic woman trying to live life rightfully, honestly, and faithfully. I must also accept that I’m a sinner, that I make mistakes, and that sometimes I can’t handle the consequences. I must also accept that I’m fun, loving, caring, and helpful. On the other hand, I’m mean, insecure, thoughtless, and crazy.

I like my cake and I like to eat it too.

But, Jesus calls me to love the cake, to savior it, to admire it. He wants me to pray that baking that cake goes well. But at the end of the day, he wants me to sacrifice the cake. In doing so, my exhausting and discipline practice will go towards a greater good.

I want to be like that. I’m trying to be like that.

The ash reminds me of who I am, but the cross also reminds me that I am His.

That’s who I am, apologetically.

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